Drama

Sometimes I feel I am of two minds. One mind wants to just make this whole thing minor as I heal the cancer. To me, that is done with a strict diet of only live foods, lots of water, and various detoxing therapies. The result would likely be slow in coming.

The other mind is one of dramatic results. I want to leap into a cleanse that I hope will have a quick reaction. The downside of this is that it creates a lot of drama. I don't mean to suggest that the drama is not real emotions, just that it challenges everything. By cleanse, I mean a water fast. More on this in the next post.

I can now safely say that I have no mind to submit to western medicine (chemo, radiation). If you have heard the statistics and quality of life proposed, it is the scariest of endings. I know that I need to address the likelihood that any reader who cares about me is "freaking out". I know that almost everyone will think I am dilutional. I feel I have been different for a long time and prefer it anyway.

The main feeling that I had today when I decided to sit down and "drain my head" is that I feel sad about what I am putting my wife through. Today we were supposed to meet with a doctor who has a clinic in Southern California. A friend of ours studied under him and called him to ask to meet me. He said he was coming up in a week (today) and would meet with me. Well I called about 2 today and he said he was not going to be able to meet with me. I had not placed significant hope that this meeting would make a huge difference, but I knew that Spring felt very good about the potential and when he canceled after a week of optimism, it was very depressing for Spring. So today we spent some time dealing with a lessening of hope, depression, and the anxiety that comes from frustration (I think in that order).

I am bothered by the fact that even though this is MY journey and I am the one who must feel through the path I chose, I can't discount the effect that I have on others, mostly Spring. The most dramatic healing is also the most dramatic stress on Spring and (my son) Kanyon.