Day 10 of Fast - Masochism

Today I weighed in at 129.5 lbs.

I recognize now that I am masochistic. Not is the sexual sense mind you. Just in the sense of submitting myself to the smells of food. It is not just enough for me to smell the food that others perpare here, my family actually goes to the store and buys food to prepare. I have the opportunity to avoid the whole process, but I WANT to participate. I originally imagined that I would spend much alone time wn be very interspective. There are many that said this would be a necessary part of my healing. That does make sense, but I also see that making food with family feeds my soul too.

Today we went into Colorado City and bought a lug of tomatoes that likely weighed 50 lbs. for $10. Some were green, smashed, buggy, etc, but we peeled them, stewed them and made 11 quarts of a really nice tomato basil soup with pureed cashews for a faux-creaminess. We took the rest and did 2 quarts of tomato juice for use in a tomato vinaigrette dressing, and used the meatier part for chipotle chili sauce we will complete tomorrow.

My Dad is the chef. He makes it all up. He couldn't follow a recipe if he tried. He always just makes it up as he goes. Most of the time it is awesome. This is one of the reasons I want to participate. I want to learn to do these things myself. Besides, I don't get to cook often with family even though Dad lives near me, we are always busy with our own shit.

Before coming up, I didn't know I would feel this way. I asked Spring to make and eat all her meals away from me. Now I tell her to let me smell her dish before it is gone. As if that weren't enough, last night someone brought a video for the group to watch called "Eat Drink Man Woman". It was a show about a Chinese father of three adult daughters who live with him. He is an excelled head chef of a large banquet hall who seems to cook all day. I was drooling to see all the great things he prepared. I am so hoping to have lots of dreams about eating!